feeling good

I am feeling good today. I am puzzled that I feel so good today, when other days go so badly. Yesterday, for example, was a growly day, my tongure was red from the biting. Yet things did not go so mmuch better today, the two year old still whined and tantrumed, the paper mache didn't set, the rain bucketed down again. It should have been a tough day, but it wasn't and I winder why.

If it is not outside things going wrong that makes a day a bad one, it must be us. I am having a good day because I am feeling good. I am feeling in control and able for the tantrums and mushy paper. Maybe i'm more rested, (I am still tired, I will always be tired, I have two under two), maybe it's the extra glass of water I drank. I've gone back off wheat bread, maybe its that. Could it be my hormones? So many possibilities.

I'm not sure it's any of those things, any more then it's the weather, or the tahtrums, or waking up late or early. I suspect it all boils down to energy (everything does in the end.) I had fun paper mache-ing with my son last night, and went to bed in good form. I had nice dreams, about my wedding dress, and woke up feeling good in myself, and I think that energy has followed me through the day and all the things that have happened.

The trick would be to find a way to turn that energy on when you wake up feeling like a snot dripping down someone elses nose. When I am in buzzy happy energy, I can see my son's smile, not his smelly bum. I can go 'yippee' when Rosy finally sleeps and enjoy the quiet, be refreshed when she wakes, rather then going, 'whew' and sit like a zombie dreading the moment she cries. It's the energy that drives the focus and keeps the energy going. The trick is to get that energy, or focus in the first place. The self helpers all push you to move the focus, see only the good stuff, 'excentuate the positive, eliminate the negative,'. I think there should be a way to change the energy first. And it should be easy. It is so easy to give some one a boost, a kiss or hug or compliment. A word of acknowledgement to my hubby from his boss keeps him going for weeks. We should be able to do the same to ourselves, give ourselves a boost and change the energy. When I figure out how I'll let you know.

You can't breastfeed and do papier mache.

It doesn't work, it's too gluey and you really need two hands. I discovered this while trying to make a giant vampire spider for my son's birthday. He wanted a themed thing, and we tossed around ideas of pirates or halloween, and eventually I came up with this, which got his approval. The story so far is:

Centuries ago a fierce pirate raided these shores. As one of the few women pirates of the few women pirates of the time, Mona Creagh was both merciless and brutal. She sailed the coast for decades until she finally chose to bury her treasure somewhere in this area. She then set about leaving directions for this treasure. Unfortunately she was attacked by the evil vampire spider, Lord Kil Creaddin, who bit her, stole her secrets and devoured her body. It is said that he took her directions and scattered them throughout the land. He wrote a clue to the location of the treasure on parchment, and devoured it. It is said he proclaimed that only one powerful enough to slay him would be able to find the treasure.

Lord Kil Creaddin has hunted here abouts for many years. He is now old and weak. It is thought a mob now has a chance of killing him, if armed with metal and sliver weapons and wearing garlic. Are you brave enough to face Lord KilCreddin, vampire spider? Will you come to Paddy’s aid on his birthday in his search for the treasure?

Come to Paddy’s house on Saturday,

At 3pm – 6 pm.

Be Prepared!!!

I printed it out on ordinary paper, but did a cover of plain brown paper, crinkled and burnt around the edges, then sealed with ordinary candle wax and a drop of red food colouring to look like blood. Feedback so far is good, hope I can pull the day off. I have a plan, but I know from experience the day won't go exactly my way. I just pray it won't rain. First thoug, I must make a giant spider. I don't think the papier mache will work, I got the recipe for the flour paste from the internet, and it seemed very runny. My back up is to just use gasrbage bags, but they won't be as cool. Here's hoping! Back to the runny glue.

Sweet sleep

One of my favourite books is 'Baby Wisdom', by Deborah Jackson. She has a quote from John Seabrook, he says ' Co-sleeping is like the fine print at the bottem of the breastfeeding contract'. It is really hard to keep breastfeeding if your baby is in another bed. A bottle fed baby is quicker to sleep through the night. Breast milk is richest and most nourishing at night, and that is what baby wants. So they wake and feed regularily through. If they sleep in the bed with you, you both get to sleep. I don't know how often my son wakes during the night, I stick him on and back to sleep we go. He is now old enough to move his head and latch on himself. We wake up rested, and I am able to cope with my two year old. If I didn't have him in with me I would be bottle feeding him by now (he's four months).

Doctors, nurses, midwives, they tell us not to sleep with our baby. We might roll over on them , they might over heat, supffocate in the blankets. They have so many scare stories that research has shown isn't true (reference 'Baby Wisdom' again). The fact that society frowns so much on co-sleeping, shows just how unsupportive it is of breastfeeding. Most mothers, me included, feel guilty about having their baby in the bed with them, and try their best to move them to their own crib. Baby still wants breast regularily through the night, then mother thinks something is wrong because baby won't sleep at night. They blame themselves for having 'spoilt the baby'. Exhausted, anxious and frustrated, mother finally takes advice given by all and tries a bottle to settle baby at night. This works and bang, mother stops breast feeding. Then mother feels guilty for no longer breastfeeding. Ours is not a mother friendly society.

I try my best. I tell every mother I meet that my babies sleep in my bed. Not in an 'up yours', like it or lump it attitude that some co-sleepers have. I try to be more, 'it's okay, I do it too.' And guess what, all my kids moved into their own bed with no problems, they all settle really well, and sleep well during the night. Neither of the older kids try to get back into our bed, there is no issue. Its okay, get some sweet sleep and cuddle with your baby.'

On breastfeeding

I had to nurse my baby in the doctors waiting room today. I normally wouldn't. It was a bit too public for me. It wasn't that busy, and nobody stared or muttered. The doctor stuck her head in to call a patient and gave me a very nervous looking smile, and then I definately saw her glance around the waiting room, checking out who was there, if the would find it offensive. This is why I won't nurse in public. No matter how much we are told it is natural, and best for baby, it is still seen as something that should be done in private, and it makes people uncomfortable. Those around the mother and baby, and the mother herself.

People won't say anything, if I ask first if it's okay they will always answer yes. But they will either stop looking at me, or keep staring at my face, afraid of seeing something they shouldn't. Part of the issue is that mothers don't nurse in public, so it is a new experience and people don't know how to respond. Mostly, I think, people do think that mothers who keep breast feeding after a few weeks are a bit odd. This is despite the publicity around breastfeeding, and despite the fact that mothers who bottlefeed are treated as pariahs by the medical community. They may preach this, but my doctor is uncomfortable when I breast feed in the waiting room, I've had midwifes insist I draw curtatins around the bed while I nurse, shoved me into rooms, keep it private! Again I am the last person to bare all in public. If I feel that someone is anyway uncomfortable about me breastfeeding I'll leave the room. This is as much for me as them. If they are uncomfortable, I'll be tense, baby will know and fuss.

When I was born, the nun's in the hospital were appalled that my mother was nursing, they thought it was unhygenic, that my mother was a dirty hippy (which she was, in fairness). There is still a taboo around breastfeeding, but it is not as bad as it was. Now it is more of a hidden taboo. We are a bit like transvestities, 'do it if you have too, but keep it at home.' Unfortunately, like transvestites, what's the point if you can't leave the house?

starting out

I have tried so many ways to keep a diary.I have made entries in journals and notebooks, with dates or blank pages. I always started out with regular entries that became fewer and finally dwindled to empty pages as every day life took over. I've bought beautiful fountain pens to use, or cheap ballpoints. I've tried to carry the journals with me, hoping proximity would encourage me to keep going. I still have some of these books, with their erratic entries, and I love to look back at them. It is interesting to see how much I've changed, and am still the same. I'm hoping that this way will be more fun, more interactive and maybe I'll keep it up!